This is what a Sabbatical looks like.
I'm on a work sabbatical, so every day is Saturday. The sabbath. Saturn Day - swirling around her rings however I choose.
I had big plans for this time off. Travel, of course - to a place in the world in which I've not yet pressed my feet into its dirty, grassy, hilly, concrete surface. Participate in a program through an organization that helps communities of underprivileged people where I could tote my grade-schooler and teach him that not only do others live exceedingly different than he, but that he is as wealthy as he knows he is...in theory. To see it first-hand, and at a young age, would be impactful and could change the course of his life. Yes...I had plans that were big.
When one expects such grandiose plans (attainable, but grandiose), they don't often come to fruition unless one lets go and trusts that things will fall into place. Perhaps something will come up unexpectedly. Yet, thinking that this may take place also makes me doubt that it will come to pass because I'm being so unabashedly expectant of it to happen to ME! So I am probably still keeping it at bay.
Therefore, I have decided to not judge myself for using this "down" time to lift me up. To rest, explore, take lots of photos and, hopefully...create. As Santigold sings:
"Me, I'm a creator Thrill is to make it up The rules I break got me a place Up on the radar"
Lyrics care of the internet so if that's wrong, oopsey poopsy.
I have been doing chores and errands, things I have needed to get done, so there is power in that doing. Accomplishing things by checking off the list of inactions that are now, blissfully, past-tense movements. I am an acter, after all. I gotta ACT! Er...
My staying active, though, for years, was an act in and of itself to fill in the void; to make sure that I didn't sit quietly long enough to experience what I knew I didn't want to. I've lived in pain and regret, sorrow and loneliness but I am FINE. I'm OVER it. I have my family, mostly good health, supportive loved ones and a community who uplifts me. But I wasn't sitting in silence, spending time with myself, in a way that was present, focused, in the moment, wading through the darkness.
Years ago, my boyfriend saw a pin in a hipster store downtown and burst out laughing. Wanting to see what it was, I peered over his shoulder to read, "I've seen the abyss. And then I went to Denny's." He loved it and, therefore, so did I. I didn't fully appreciate it until now. I have lived many years since and I am happy to know that it wasn't just time that passed me by. I actually lived in those years. Having a child made me more mindful and care more about goal-reaching. It's a motivator, having to set an example for a younger human in my care. My prayers have changed to thanking God and all my Universal guides and masters for being an excellent mentor and teacher so that it will one day be true. I've got to believe it to see it. Fake it 'till I make it. To quote another chanteuse, "Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché."
I've been active but not acting. I've been moving but not shaking (not even shaking and baking, which I wanted to write after 'Fake it 'till I make it.' Fake it 'till I make it. Shake and bake it. Shake my money maker. None of that. I have, instead, been filling a void to avoid the abyss and now I'm paranoid that I'll not be able to pull myself up, out of the hole and continue to be. That's not a fragment...I need to continue to be and be some more so that calling myself a human being isn't merely a label but a FACT. That woman be's like that. Go go gadget fingers! Typing on a black rectangular plastic base. Write and write and share if you'd like, sweet child. Lovely being. "You can do it. It's Electric!"
Everything is a song.
I had big plans for this time off. Travel, of course - to a place in the world in which I've not yet pressed my feet into its dirty, grassy, hilly, concrete surface. Participate in a program through an organization that helps communities of underprivileged people where I could tote my grade-schooler and teach him that not only do others live exceedingly different than he, but that he is as wealthy as he knows he is...in theory. To see it first-hand, and at a young age, would be impactful and could change the course of his life. Yes...I had plans that were big.
When one expects such grandiose plans (attainable, but grandiose), they don't often come to fruition unless one lets go and trusts that things will fall into place. Perhaps something will come up unexpectedly. Yet, thinking that this may take place also makes me doubt that it will come to pass because I'm being so unabashedly expectant of it to happen to ME! So I am probably still keeping it at bay.
Therefore, I have decided to not judge myself for using this "down" time to lift me up. To rest, explore, take lots of photos and, hopefully...create. As Santigold sings:
"Me, I'm a creator Thrill is to make it up The rules I break got me a place Up on the radar"
Lyrics care of the internet so if that's wrong, oopsey poopsy.
I have been doing chores and errands, things I have needed to get done, so there is power in that doing. Accomplishing things by checking off the list of inactions that are now, blissfully, past-tense movements. I am an acter, after all. I gotta ACT! Er...
My staying active, though, for years, was an act in and of itself to fill in the void; to make sure that I didn't sit quietly long enough to experience what I knew I didn't want to. I've lived in pain and regret, sorrow and loneliness but I am FINE. I'm OVER it. I have my family, mostly good health, supportive loved ones and a community who uplifts me. But I wasn't sitting in silence, spending time with myself, in a way that was present, focused, in the moment, wading through the darkness.
Years ago, my boyfriend saw a pin in a hipster store downtown and burst out laughing. Wanting to see what it was, I peered over his shoulder to read, "I've seen the abyss. And then I went to Denny's." He loved it and, therefore, so did I. I didn't fully appreciate it until now. I have lived many years since and I am happy to know that it wasn't just time that passed me by. I actually lived in those years. Having a child made me more mindful and care more about goal-reaching. It's a motivator, having to set an example for a younger human in my care. My prayers have changed to thanking God and all my Universal guides and masters for being an excellent mentor and teacher so that it will one day be true. I've got to believe it to see it. Fake it 'till I make it. To quote another chanteuse, "Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché."
I've been active but not acting. I've been moving but not shaking (not even shaking and baking, which I wanted to write after 'Fake it 'till I make it.' Fake it 'till I make it. Shake and bake it. Shake my money maker. None of that. I have, instead, been filling a void to avoid the abyss and now I'm paranoid that I'll not be able to pull myself up, out of the hole and continue to be. That's not a fragment...I need to continue to be and be some more so that calling myself a human being isn't merely a label but a FACT. That woman be's like that. Go go gadget fingers! Typing on a black rectangular plastic base. Write and write and share if you'd like, sweet child. Lovely being. "You can do it. It's Electric!"
Everything is a song.
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